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Look out for this virus If
you receive an e-mail with a subject line of “FEAR,” delete
it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous e-mail virus
yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble
any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your
refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk
curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram
your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace
field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your
“ex” your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your
fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the
coffee table when there’s company coming over. It will hide your
car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio
so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. FEAR will make you
fall in love with a hardened criminal. It will give you nightmares about
circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine, all while dating your current partner behind your back and billing
their hotel rendezvous to your VISA card. It will seduce your grandmother.
It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of FEAR. It reaches
out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. FEAR will
give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave
the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will
wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and
refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous
and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs. Be very, very afraid. |